


Chicken Shit: I Fixed Your Hot Take

by Demexit (Shibbolez)



Category: Original Work, Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Extended Metaphors, Gen, Satire, seriously extended
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:56:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23685769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shibbolez/pseuds/Demexit
Summary: Dedicated to everyone who keeps memeing that Sedaris article from 08 while shouting "vote blue no matter who".
Kudos: 4





	Chicken Shit: I Fixed Your Hot Take

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat.

“Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?” She removes the silver domed lids of the two serving trays with a grand flourish (this is a very fancy airplane) to reveal, indeed, a platter of shit with bits of broken glass under one and a single grilled chicken breast under the other.

“Holy shit,” I say, “You weren’t kidding!”

“Nope!”

“But what’s that smell?” I ask, as a strange, sickly, rancid odor tickles my nose.

“That would be the platter of shit with bits of glass.” Replies the attendant. At first, I’m inclined to agree. I can definitely smell the shit, and the glass doesn’t have an aroma but, if it did, I’d imagine it would smell like children in cages or corporate welfare. This doesn’t smell like that, though. This smells like rotten meat. Specifically, this smells like a chicken breast which has been left out on the counter.

For a week.

In Arizona.

In August.

“Um…”

“Oh, come on,” the flight attendant scoffs, “You can’t seriously be undecided.”

“I was only wondering, ah, how the chicken was cooked?”

“What a ridiculous, irresponsible question!” The flight attendant shouts. She’s grabbed the attention of the other passengers, and they’re all glaring at me and nodding along.

“If you don’t choose the chicken, then we all have to eat shit!” They say.

“I don’t particularly like chicken, either, but the other option is literal shit!” They shout.

“If you don’t choose the chicken then it’s your fault if we have to eat shit!” They scream.

_“Are you saying to want to eat shit?”_

“Obviously not.” I reply, trying to understand the bizarre circumstances that would require everyone to eat the same thing, or why there are only two options, “But that chicken is obviously rancid. Maybe eating shit and glass would make me sick and possibly kill me, but so would _E_. coli!”

“This chicken doesn’t have _E_. coli”. Says the flight attendant.

“Are you sure? Because it looks green and slimy and I am 100% sure that if I eat that chicken, I’ll get sick.”

“But you’ll definitely get sick if you eat the shit platter with broken glass. At least the chicken is supposed to be food. You have to choose the chicken. Any sane adult would.” Says the flight attendant.

Desperately I cast my gaze around, looking for a different option and, by chance, I see an old Jewish man sitting a few rows in front of me. He’s eating Swedish meatballs and Norwegian pickled herring on traditional, Finnish crepes.

“Well I’ve never tried what that man over there is eating, but it looks better than what you’re offering. Can I have that?”

“No.” She scowls. “Besides, there is no way we could afford to give everyone those foods.”

“Actually,” pipes up the old Jewish man, “The wealthiest passengers on this plane didn’t even have to pay for their tickets…”

“Don’t listen to him. He’s a communist and doesn’t think women can be pilots!”

“…but if they did, we could absolutely afford for everyone to have meatballs, herring, and crepes!”

“Sweet!” I exclaim, “Let’s do that!”

“I. Said. No!” The flight attendant says, and then marches over to the old Jewish man, who she grabs by the collar and then promptly throws out the airlock. As he falls to earth, I can softly hear him say, _never mind, choose the chickeeeeeeennnnn…_

“What the fuck?! You just killed him!”

“Listen,” says the flight attendant, “We haven’t always agreed, but that man was a good, hardworking, passionate passenger who loved this airplane.”

“You called him an evil communist literally two seconds ago!”

“I have the utmost respect for him, and you should listen to his advice and choose the chicken”.

“That’s bullshit!”

“No,” says the flight attendant, “It’s chicken shit. But what other choice have you got?”

**Author's Note:**

> In 2008, David Sedaris wrote a straw man fallacy, I mean, insightful think piece for the New Yorker called "Undecided". Even though it was originally about the Obama/McCain race, a select quote has since been memeified for obvious reasons and has been circling the internet.
> 
> Here's the original article if you wanna check it out. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2008/10/27/undecided


End file.
